Are You in a Difficult Marriage? Here's My Story.
Updated: Jul 27, 2021
Journal Entry Excerpt: Married 4 months- February 2002
“Things are crazy-like a rollercoaster actually. One-day things are awesome and the next day they suck. I have started to go to a counselor once a week. It’s helping me deal with things I didn’t want to deal with. I’m realizing that I get a lot of my self-worth from others. I hate when others are disappointed in me-especially my husband. I try so hard to make him happy that I forget about my own happiness. I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. My husband is very focused at work, which is good, but he seems to be stressed out all the time. He’s short-tempered, easily angered and basically in a bad mood all the time. We did have a nice relaxing weekend, but I guess I just feel like I’m the root of all my husband’s problems. Without me he would have money, do what he wants and be able to relax. I feel so rejected. I wonder sometimes what I got myself into. I wish sometimes I could just get in a car and drive away –go to California and be away from it all. I am committed to this marriage. I just always think it would be better than this. All I can do is pray.God is the only one who can make this marriage work. I give it all to you Lord.”
They say hindsight is 20/20. I wish I could go back in time and talk to the young, innocent version of me. I can see now I really believed I was the problem, and I was desperate to make the situation better by any means. I had no idea that this was just the beginning of our problems. There was so much going on that I couldn’t see. Now I see that It is hard when you are living it to “see” it. Like so many of you I was in a toxic marriage. However, I always heard marriage was hard so I convinced myself that this was all just part of it. I was wrong. It is not supposed to be this hard.
For 10 years I did everything I could to make my EX happy. I tried to please him and appease him. I am naturally a people pleaser; however, no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep my EX happy. Sure we had moments of happiness, but they never lasted. I walked on eggshells never knowing what to expect. Would my Ex be happy today and kind or would he be angry and unpredictable and mean? I lost my sense of self. Every moment was focused on him; there was no room for me. I felt depressed, stuck, and hopeless. In 2013 I decided to try counseling again. I walked into my counselors office and said “there is something wrong with me and I need help.” She spent the next 6 years helping me. I slowly started to see the truth, seek God, surrender to God, and understand who God made me to be.
Telling my story is hard but if my story can help someone it is worth telling. I felt so alone during these years, I want you to know you are not alone. Start by finding someone you trust and telling them your story. You are not stuck and there is hope.